awful memories from my childhood poped up last night from the middle of nowhere while i was in bed trying to get some sleep. I cant say that my childhood was horriable but i cant say that i have any good memories from it either.
My mom and my dad werent married but that
didnt bother me at all, what did was that my dad never wanted me he had absolutley no love for me, ofcourse i didnt understand that at such a young age! I remember my mom told me that he wanted to take me to the middle-east and never return ( like a kiddnaping ) but thankfully that never happend, after that i didnt see him or hear from him until i was 7½ years old i started to ask my mom questions like
"Whos my dad" and
"Why isnt he here with me" i remember my mom telling me not to care about him and that he wasnt a good man, but i was just a child who needed her father aswell as her mother if i had known what was gonna happen i would never had get in touch with him..
So we meet each other he just stood there looking at me with angry eyes as if i was some kind of disease after maybe 10 minuts he walks up to me and hugs me, i remember smiling after that i spent every weekend at his place but i could never feel safe or secured i was always nervous and sceard his wife hated me she used to yell at me and screm even tho i never did anything bad :(. I remember over hearing a conversation that they had , they were talking about taking me to the middle-east to put me there and never return me and i remember when i heard that i fell into tears i was afraid all i wanted was to go home to my mom. My dad always treated me different compared to his other children like an outsider it didnt matter how good i was i still got the blame for everything mentally and fysicly the same question that always poped up was
"Why cant you love me"
A few years went by i didnt hear from him nothing until i was 19 years old so between when i was 7-19 years old i didnt hear from him maybe he called to say hi but that was about it.. when i was 19 years old i remember he took me to his workplace at the time he work with cars. He called me asking to try and get to know me and my heart just stopped i felt happy because my dad wanted to spend time with me or so i tought but what he really wanted was to introduce me to this man i was shocked didnt know what to say or do all i knew was that i wanted to get away because i knew what he had planned for me! some months later i was 20 years old one of my fathers wives calls me and says
" you need to make a decision now your fathers on the way over"
My fathers arrived and told me that he had started to plan a wedding for me, he said that he had been sending out my pictures to people to see who would bid the higest for me, when i heard this i was discusted
but you can judge me all you want you dont know my father he isnt a good man .. all i wanted was for him to love me and treat me as his daugther respect me but i never got any of that
... so i made a huge mistake and accepted what he offerd me
which i deeply regret to this day, because as soon as i said yes he changed and for the first time he said he loved me
as his daguther and that meant everything to me at the time
! But a week later i realaized what i had done and i had to get out of it not only was he abusive , aggressive, he rapied me in my own home everybody turned on me i felt so alone like i had noone even my mom and sister turned on me and took this mans side
and felt sorry for him now
how the hell can you feel sorry for someone who has done that to a member of the family i dont get it is everyone against me?
Now they just pretending that they dont remember even saying that but i know the thurth i can forgive ive never been that kind of a person who
holds a gruge forever but i will never forget in heart how you people treated me
i will forever be scared by it..
I remember the last conversaion he and i had was a little scary he told me , If you ever come close to where i live or contact your sliblings i will get someone to kill you or if you ever go to the police i will find someone to kill you , im never going to love you in my eyes you're not my daugther just a whore and i hate you!
for 2 whoe years i couldnt go out because he had sent people after me chasing me where ever i went i was so scared i had to change my number 12 times in 2 years , for me this was completley insane who in his right mind would do what he has done?All you readers have to understand that all i wanted and needed from my father was for him to love me. He could never love me and i still today dont know why , whats so wrong with me, why did he treat me like he did, he never cared for me and he just wanted to hurt me.
its been haunting me all my life
